No hope No love No glory.

via Google

I've always had a very complicated mind.

I've always had my own way on figuring things out.

When I was younger, I dreamt of becoming a cashier, weird but well that's the truth. I found it amazing to press on the cash register, count the money and hand it over to the customer. Just the thought of it, could make me the happiest girl standing on two feet. My parents even bought me this McDonald's cash register which was quite pricey at that time for me to play and expand my mind. Good times I must say.

Then when I was 9 and was studying in Junior High, I wanted to be a pharmacist just like my mother. And I knew I could be a good pharmacist as at that age I could prescribe the right medications for my family members when they were ill. How sublime.

When I turned 11, I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon to be exact as I found it amazing that these people could save other people's life and I wanted to be one of those people whom people actually look up to. I wanted to be them so much that cutting things was my number one hobby.

Then I entered High School and I got confused. Bedazzled by the numerous options I had. My parents kept reminding me that I was still too young to think about my future that was actually five years away from me. They told me that I have a long time to figure my life out. I discovered so many things and I wanted to be so many people.

At the end of the year 2009, I finally decided that I wanted to be a journalist/broadcaster. That was when I realized that this is what I really want. And this who I am and this is what I love the most. I want to travel, and I want to write, I want to meet new people and I want to discover new things. Up to this very day, I still want to be a journalist/broadcaster.

I hope and pray to be a good successful one in the years to come.

Til then, here's to new beginnings for you and for me.

Colors and Promises.

via Google

 "Things break in the end."

My mind and heart haven't been at par off late. There are times where I just feel like the blood gushing through my veins feel like what seem to feel like tidal waves. And these waves keep crashing the walls of my heart a lot more than expected. 

I'm  tired. Sick and tired. 

You know, I have always feared of the thought of leaving high school. I feared that whatever that's built will fall apart in the end. And to my surprise, a few things have fallen apart. It wasn't easy growing and building the bonds and friendships, it was hard and it was painful. That a lot of determination, effort, energy, heartbreaks had to be put into consideration. Even some feelings were neglected. My feelings to be exact.

The things that happen around me seem so petty these days. So irrelevant and mindless yet it still happens. Sometimes, over and over again that I have actually come to a stage where I just give up on things. And I don't find the need on wanting to patch certain things anymore. I don't normally give up but on cases like this, I just don't see a solution to it. Because at the very end, I get the blame and I get blamed and I'm the one to be blamed. Which is entirely unfair. 

Everyone says no one understands them, their situation, their feelings and everything else that they don't really think about how others feel. It takes two to tango. So if you feel like no one understands you or if you feel alone and miserable, believe me when I say that every other person you're actually referring to feels the exact same way. So take a moment of your time, and think. It's not rocket science you know to stop and think about how others feel for a change.

I guess we have to face the music at the end of every chapter. Only in this chapter, the music isn't fun hippy music instead it's a broken record that just goes on and on.

Nothing lasts forever.

This weary heart is tired. This weary heart is sick. This weary heart feels so heavy. This weary heart just hopes for the best. This weary heart doesn't want anything to end. This weary heart is sorry.

True Colors.

Eventually, as time passes by, as waves crashes the sea, as the sun rises and sets, as the Earth spins, and as we move on, we see the true colors in everyone and everything around us. We see the truth behind the deceit and the lies. We see the beauty behind the ugliness. We see the black behind the white. And we see the sunshine after the rain.

It's a pity that the true colors we see, aren't really what we want or how we hoped for it to be. 

It's a pity that the people we love and hope to keep change drastically.

It's just a pity. 

But somehow, at the peak of every story, there's always a point where we open up and we try making amends with what we have around us and, we adapt to it. I did it, I met new people, I got close to a few people, I backed away, I mixed with the old ones, I got closer to them but at the end of the story, what matters the most is that I am happy.

It's a joy seeing other people, living lives and enjoying each and every moment of their lives just enjoying them.
It's a joy seeing people know that there's this one person in their life that can make them feel miserable and just so happy at the same time.

And I know someday, on a beautiful day, I will get the happy ending to the story of my life.

Just like everybody else.

Big red nose.

Have you ever feared of anything before in your life ?

Perhaps when you were little you had this fear for Clowns or maybe fear for Big Soft Toys that you see in shopping malls. Well, if you haven't than maybe I'm one out of the ten that has experience that fear once before.

I still remember that very day of my life. I think I was five, and just enjoying and living my life to the fullest. Nothing, and I mean nothing at all ever seemed to bother me. My life at that time was all about going to kindy, learning, reading, counting numbers and that's it. I go home and I watch TV and my life is fulfilled. I was at a mall with my mother. And there was this exhibition going on and they were promoting things. I couldn't care less til I saw this creature roaming around in a big colourful suit with a big red nose. I tell you, it was the most ugliest, single most scariest thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. That day I learnt a new word - CLOWN.

It happened while I was walking steadily in Subang Parade. Rummaging through the clothes while holding my beloved mother's hands. Then, there came this 'thing', this huge 'thing'(at that point, anything a little bigger than me, to me was huge). It came to me and asked me with its hideous voice whether I wanted a balloon or not. Being scared, obviously my immediate reaction was to hold my mother's hands tighter and to scream and say "MAAAAAA ......." and again and again. My mother looked at me and asked me what was wrong and told me that it was just a clown. I released my hand from my mum's clutch and ran away. The sickening part was that I thought he'd stay away instead he ran as well trying to catch me. I was screaming and screaming til my dad came and grab hold of me and told me to calm down and stop crying. I think I fell asleep after crying for too long. On my father's shoulders.

Basically, that was where it all began, where and how the nightmare began. So ever since, til this very day, I will forever have this strong hatred feeling towards clowns.

I hereby declare that I am afraid of clowns.

Period.