No hope No love No glory.

via Google

I've always had a very complicated mind.

I've always had my own way on figuring things out.

When I was younger, I dreamt of becoming a cashier, weird but well that's the truth. I found it amazing to press on the cash register, count the money and hand it over to the customer. Just the thought of it, could make me the happiest girl standing on two feet. My parents even bought me this McDonald's cash register which was quite pricey at that time for me to play and expand my mind. Good times I must say.

Then when I was 9 and was studying in Junior High, I wanted to be a pharmacist just like my mother. And I knew I could be a good pharmacist as at that age I could prescribe the right medications for my family members when they were ill. How sublime.

When I turned 11, I wanted to be a doctor. A surgeon to be exact as I found it amazing that these people could save other people's life and I wanted to be one of those people whom people actually look up to. I wanted to be them so much that cutting things was my number one hobby.

Then I entered High School and I got confused. Bedazzled by the numerous options I had. My parents kept reminding me that I was still too young to think about my future that was actually five years away from me. They told me that I have a long time to figure my life out. I discovered so many things and I wanted to be so many people.

At the end of the year 2009, I finally decided that I wanted to be a journalist/broadcaster. That was when I realized that this is what I really want. And this who I am and this is what I love the most. I want to travel, and I want to write, I want to meet new people and I want to discover new things. Up to this very day, I still want to be a journalist/broadcaster.

I hope and pray to be a good successful one in the years to come.

Til then, here's to new beginnings for you and for me.

Colors and Promises.

via Google

 "Things break in the end."

My mind and heart haven't been at par off late. There are times where I just feel like the blood gushing through my veins feel like what seem to feel like tidal waves. And these waves keep crashing the walls of my heart a lot more than expected. 

I'm  tired. Sick and tired. 

You know, I have always feared of the thought of leaving high school. I feared that whatever that's built will fall apart in the end. And to my surprise, a few things have fallen apart. It wasn't easy growing and building the bonds and friendships, it was hard and it was painful. That a lot of determination, effort, energy, heartbreaks had to be put into consideration. Even some feelings were neglected. My feelings to be exact.

The things that happen around me seem so petty these days. So irrelevant and mindless yet it still happens. Sometimes, over and over again that I have actually come to a stage where I just give up on things. And I don't find the need on wanting to patch certain things anymore. I don't normally give up but on cases like this, I just don't see a solution to it. Because at the very end, I get the blame and I get blamed and I'm the one to be blamed. Which is entirely unfair. 

Everyone says no one understands them, their situation, their feelings and everything else that they don't really think about how others feel. It takes two to tango. So if you feel like no one understands you or if you feel alone and miserable, believe me when I say that every other person you're actually referring to feels the exact same way. So take a moment of your time, and think. It's not rocket science you know to stop and think about how others feel for a change.

I guess we have to face the music at the end of every chapter. Only in this chapter, the music isn't fun hippy music instead it's a broken record that just goes on and on.

Nothing lasts forever.

This weary heart is tired. This weary heart is sick. This weary heart feels so heavy. This weary heart just hopes for the best. This weary heart doesn't want anything to end. This weary heart is sorry.

True Colors.

Eventually, as time passes by, as waves crashes the sea, as the sun rises and sets, as the Earth spins, and as we move on, we see the true colors in everyone and everything around us. We see the truth behind the deceit and the lies. We see the beauty behind the ugliness. We see the black behind the white. And we see the sunshine after the rain.

It's a pity that the true colors we see, aren't really what we want or how we hoped for it to be. 

It's a pity that the people we love and hope to keep change drastically.

It's just a pity. 

But somehow, at the peak of every story, there's always a point where we open up and we try making amends with what we have around us and, we adapt to it. I did it, I met new people, I got close to a few people, I backed away, I mixed with the old ones, I got closer to them but at the end of the story, what matters the most is that I am happy.

It's a joy seeing other people, living lives and enjoying each and every moment of their lives just enjoying them.
It's a joy seeing people know that there's this one person in their life that can make them feel miserable and just so happy at the same time.

And I know someday, on a beautiful day, I will get the happy ending to the story of my life.

Just like everybody else.

Big red nose.

Have you ever feared of anything before in your life ?

Perhaps when you were little you had this fear for Clowns or maybe fear for Big Soft Toys that you see in shopping malls. Well, if you haven't than maybe I'm one out of the ten that has experience that fear once before.

I still remember that very day of my life. I think I was five, and just enjoying and living my life to the fullest. Nothing, and I mean nothing at all ever seemed to bother me. My life at that time was all about going to kindy, learning, reading, counting numbers and that's it. I go home and I watch TV and my life is fulfilled. I was at a mall with my mother. And there was this exhibition going on and they were promoting things. I couldn't care less til I saw this creature roaming around in a big colourful suit with a big red nose. I tell you, it was the most ugliest, single most scariest thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. That day I learnt a new word - CLOWN.

It happened while I was walking steadily in Subang Parade. Rummaging through the clothes while holding my beloved mother's hands. Then, there came this 'thing', this huge 'thing'(at that point, anything a little bigger than me, to me was huge). It came to me and asked me with its hideous voice whether I wanted a balloon or not. Being scared, obviously my immediate reaction was to hold my mother's hands tighter and to scream and say "MAAAAAA ......." and again and again. My mother looked at me and asked me what was wrong and told me that it was just a clown. I released my hand from my mum's clutch and ran away. The sickening part was that I thought he'd stay away instead he ran as well trying to catch me. I was screaming and screaming til my dad came and grab hold of me and told me to calm down and stop crying. I think I fell asleep after crying for too long. On my father's shoulders.

Basically, that was where it all began, where and how the nightmare began. So ever since, til this very day, I will forever have this strong hatred feeling towards clowns.

I hereby declare that I am afraid of clowns.

Period.

Summer after high school.

This place is kinda dusty. I mean this personal column of mine. But it won't be dusty anymore now that SPM is OVER. I am finally free. Free from stress and free from this mess. 

Here's what I learnt throughout my whole three weeks of facing reality ;

- Family is everything and everything is family.

- Your parents are the best thing in your life besides God.

- Calamity is the key to everything.

- Allah is ALWAYS there for you.

- People come and people go as they please.

- Never study at the very last minute.

- Practice what you preach.

- Nobody's perfect so the last thing you should be doing is to judge someone.

- Nothing lasts forever.

- Things happen for a reason.

- You'll never know if you've never even tried.

- Good food is equivalent to a good soul.

- A mother's love beats no other.

- Never ever give up even when it looks tempting to give up.

- Be strong for there are always people around you that has a hobby in tearing you up.

- Everyone is special in their own way. 

- We are who we are.

- Never listen to horror movies told by your friends when you're actually a wussy.

- Be happy.

- High school love only happens to some people.

- I've never been happier.

35.

35 days to go until the Big Day arrives. No, not my wedding. Just the examination that's gonna determine my future. Where I'm gonna head after, where life brings me after and so on. 

No doubt, I am disappointed way beyond the valley of disappointment and I am vastly sad. But, time goes on even when we don't want it too. And we can never turn around, to mend whats done. Because what's done is done, whether we like it or not. The next best thing to do, is to use all the time left wisely and to utilize the time left the best we can. 

It's never too late, never ever too late. 

All the best to students of class '11.

Confusion.

I don't get it. I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never ever get it. I just never will. Enough said.

The untold story of a Seventeen year old.

These days, the weather has been rather unpredictable. It rains in the middle of daylight, in the middle of the night, just about anytime of the day. It rains and it shines every single day. Its just like life. A lot like life. There are days where your life just seems so hot, tensed up, stress building, mind boggling like the sun and there are days where your life is cold, peaceful, at ease, stress free like the rain.

I shouldn't be posting up anything this time around, I'm just weeks away, from my big important examination. But, unwinding after a very long day, is a must and is a virtue. Since writing seems to be the only resort, and since my mind is filled with so many things, I shall write away my sorrows and accomplishments.

These past few years in high school, taught me a lot. Taught me the true meaning of life. Might not be everything I should know about life but I've been through the gees of the things that complicates this life. I know, it has become a habit for me to say that everything changes and that you can never trust anyone, but its these few days and weeks that has made me realize that those words I always say are actually true.

People really change. Some to an extend where you can't imagine. Some don't even change and just remain the same. I don't know how & what I've become but I do know, I am now, not the person I was when I was 15, or the person I was when I was 16 or the person I was before that. Whether I've changed for better or for worse, I can never be too sure and it still remains to be seen. But what saddens me the most is that the people whom I've trust whole-heartedly, whom I've relied on before, some are not who they used to be, some are mean, some are inconsiderate and some just couldn't be bothered. For all you know, I have become one of those people too and if that were to be true, my deepest apologies as I never intended to do so.

But like they say, people always change, whether we like it or not.

Then, comes the part where you just feel like your personal space, your life is invaded but unwanted people, unwanted problems, in short ; nuisance. It's just pathetic, when what you say and what you do is being watched and guarded by everyone around you. When whatever that comes out from your mouth is being judged when they know peanuts about you. It's more sickening when stories about you are being made up as you speak, most of them never even happened in the first place. The gruesome part of all is that, people actually buy it without even analyzing the truth, without even investigating further. Instead they just assume and put two and two together by themselves.

But I find that the easiest way out of the fuss and to not burden yourself with such a hassle is to always remind yourself, "It's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter".

Some people think they're all that and just the best, they fail to observe or even care about the life others are going through. Some think they're pious enough to give advise to others. Some mindlessly triggers other people's anger. Some just loves making up stories from whatever source they have. Some just love seeing other people tumble down. Some don't even have the courtesy to make amends with people they might have hurt. Some, just don't care.

But, it's human nature. Nobody is perfect, anyway. That has always been the reason, the argument and the verdict.

Nonetheless I am only human and making mistakes and realizing them after doing them is just my nature. I am not perfect, not even close. With that, forgive me for my wrongdoings and my silly mistakes. It's those mistakes that mold us into becoming a better person. And it's those mistakes that changes us into better people. Mistakes changes us, it really does.

Quite frankly, I am scared to face the life I'll be living after school ends. Scared by the thought of starting over, making new friends, learning & experiencing amazing new things and the list can go on and on. Scared to leave my high school life behind. They say the world out there ain't easy and the fact that they say the world is cruel scares me the most.

But at the end of everyday, we wake up and it's a brand new day. We still smile and laugh even after a rough and tough day. Because at the end of everyday, we all eventually get a grip of ourselves, we get on and we move on with our lives and we eventually leave our past behind us. Because we know that everything happens for a reason and if things don't go how it's supposed too, we know Allah, The Almighty has better plans for us.

Eid Mubarak.

First and foremost,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin.

As always, I expected this year's Raya to be mundane. But to my surprise, this year's Raya was one of the best Raya I have ever experienced, my whole life, combined. And as usual, I learnt so many things through out my stay in Ipoh as well as in Sitiawan. 

This year's Syawal was different from the rest. We celebrated it at Aunty Yong's place and Aunty Yang wasn't with us as it was 'the in-laws' side this year. There were only a few of us, less than 20 of us during First Syawal. Despite the small number of people, we had a good time laughing and sharing jokes with one another. I get teary eyed whenever I think of Syawal. So let the pictures do the talking.

:')

The best lot.

via Facebook.

" Friends are like gems. They're so precious that we cannot afford to lose them. You guys are my gems without a doubt, undoubtedly."

I don't want High School to end. Not now, not just yet. Not when I'm at the peak of getting closer to everyone of you. I know in time, we'll have to let go, I'm just not ready, not just yet. Only a few months to go, for High School to end. All the memories we shared, they're the ones thats gonna keep us going and keep us together in the future. 

I guess it is true, High School wasn't made to last forever.

Believe.

via tumblr.

" Laughter without a doubt is the best medicine ; the best healer. It heals all wounds and it lightens up your day. So, laugh." 

Don't waste our lives away thinking, thinking and pondering upon the past. We only live once and who knows, we might not be able to wake up again tomorrow ? So live each and everyday and treat it as it were to be your very last day to breathe. 

Laugh, open your eyes to new perspectives. When you've regained yourself, you'll discover a whole new world - your world. 

And remember, everything is possible if you just believe.

23 things I'd like to say.

"You know they say life begins when you're forty ? 

Well, I say life begins whenever you want it to begin. "

It's August 23rd. And on this breezy Tuesday afternoon of Ramadhan, I realized that there are just a million and one things that I've learned, throughout this exciting, bumpy, horrifying yet amazing year. But since it's the 23rd, here goes the best 23 things I've learned ;

1. Allah is always fair and just.

2. Family is everything, yes, EVERYTHING.

3. Anything that is edible and halal is nice and amazing.

4. It's never too late to do or try something new.

5. Practice makes perfect.

6. People seriously come and go, you have to expect the unexpected.

7. Sometimes, you just have to be selfish to save yourself from being crushed by others.

8. There are jerks out there who don't deserve your time of day.

9. Nobody's perfect. 

10. You can never ever please everyone. So to make things fair and just for you, only please yourself even if it means you have to stand alone with no one to hold.

11. Things don't always go your way.

12. Life is amazing if you just believe.

13. Fairytales do happen. And every girl or guy deserves their own fairytale ending.

14. No one, and I mean no one at all can make you feel inferior without your consent.

15. Never change who you are for someone else. If they can't accept you remember that there are others who can.

16. What goes around, always, comes around. Karma is nice at times.

17. Don't ever hurt others, cause no one deserves to get hurt.

18. Every downfall only has one agenda behind it : To get you back on the ground.

19. Not everyone is nice.

20. Blue pen works best for my handwriting.

21. To always be happy even when you're at your lowest.

22. Whoever created maggi mee especially maggi mee curry is a legend.

23. I'm a shopaholic.

Hi, again.

I think this is like the millionth time I have been deleting and creating a new blog. Even so, I still come back to write again and again. It puts me at a place I can never seem to explain to anyone. The feeling I get when it's just me and the blank space on my laptop. Indescribable and utterly amazing feeling.


So, here's my greetings to a new start.